My own psychologist >>>> Exit the friend zone

Exit the friend zone.

To understand what a friend zone is, it is enough to imagine a Cupid who missed and the arrow hit not the heart, but ... the brain, for example.

As a rule individuals of the opposite sex are in the friend zone, but often same-sex people also get there when they strive to replace impossible sexual relations with friendship.

Some psychologists, as well as psychotherapists with a specialization in "sexual pathologies" consider the friend zone a dead end - if not a temporary phenomenon in human relationships, then a detrimental state from which one must look for a way out, since such a "location" in interpersonal relationships does not contribute to the development of sexual relations and the creation of alliances with all the ensuing consequences - there is no utility from non-multiplying individuals, since there is no continuation of the human race.

But people have long been living not only by animal instincts, and many of them consider quite acceptable relationships without reproducing their own kind, but only for their own psychological comfort, including sexual comfort.

Sometimes relationships within the friend zone smoothly flow into marriage with a delay in the sexual component. There are known cases of marriage in which spouses began their sexual life much later than they entered into marriage. Such situations are typical for a society in which strict canons of morality are maintained, and the integrity of the girl is considered an indispensable condition for marriage between people (the wife's lack of sexual experience until the moment of acquiring a husband). For this reason, friendly relations in such situations continue until the moment when the other half agrees to engage in sexual relations.

But the so-called sexual revolution over time "rocked" the canons of morality, making assumptions about free sexual relations, the absence of which begins to "strain" the companions of the friend zone.

In fact, the friend zone is not as hopeless as you might think at first glance. It contains the origins of real friendship: disinterested, built on pure sympathy, on the pleasures of communicating with a person, from his presence in his own life. The one who is with you in the friend zone may turn out to be a person who is not related by blood, but by spirit, in fact, your free advisor and volunteer who will come to the rescue at the right time and will not ask for "payment" for his tension, in whatever form it is did not manifest itself (physical activity or work of the intellect).

In the modern world, there are a lot of people who have learned to make the most of communication, and to throw away "waste resources", that is, people from whom it is no longer possible to benefit for their own successful movement in life. And there are very few people who are able to get pleasure from simple human communication: exchange of interests, entertaining pointless conversation, simple companionship, help from nowhere, and the like.

How do people get into the friend zone? You can become companions in the friend zone if both people at the time of the formation of a friendly alliance were free, lonely, but needed companions in life, for example, to attend any public events, for a psychological outlet, for a feeling of need and lack of loneliness, for socialization in society (it is no secret that single people are often offended by reproaches that they do not have a couple). The friend zone unites people according to the level of intelligence, according to the community of interests, according to like-mindedness, according to their status in society.

In some countries, there are services that offer partners for the company and attending public events, if such events and companies include invitations to families or couples. On the service, you can always pick up a temporary companion, when neither he nor you will owe him anything, except for paying for his entertainment. Going to events is carried out at the expense of the one who at the moment needs a companion, a friend.

But if there is no such civilized service, then you have to look for a friend, a friend yourself, which draws people into strong friendships, possibly temporary, but, nevertheless, pleasant and useful. It is precisely a pleasant and rewarding pastime in the friend zone that becomes a stumbling block when friendship, out of sympathy, but without love, exhausts itself for one of the parties.

Often the friend zone is considered as a way of "parasitizing" one person on the good feelings of another. Someone is selflessly friends, and someone is trying to use the favor of another person and derive pleasant dividends from this. Kindness, by definition, is disinterested, and empathy quite often forces people to help without looking at the benefits. But who can condemn disinterested friendship if not one who has never been involved in it.

When does the friend zone become a burden? When a person begins to realize that your friendship is preventing them from having a sexual relationship with you, or when friendships become an obstacle to having a sexual relationship with another person. In these cases, it is necessary to leave the friend zone.

But the exit from the friend zone is in the same place as the entrance, in other words, it will be necessary to go from acquaintance to friendship in the opposite direction. This path will have to be taken consciously, carrying out some thoughtful actions that will slightly shake disinterested friendship, and make your friend zone companion look at you either as a future lover, and maybe a family member, or as a stranger with whom he will not be already disinterestedly pleasant, but you will remain familiar for an indefinite period of time.

A very simple way to leave the friend zone by imaginary employment on the affairs of another person (preferably same-sex with your friend). They turn to you for help, but you refuse immediate help (as it was before), referring to the fact that you are solving the problems of a friend or acquaintance. Even if your heart bleeds and your conscience turns your brain inside out, hold out for 24 hours with this version of your employment, and then ask how your friend zone companion is doing, if your help is still needed, and at the same time, open the veil of secrecy about the details of your employment. the day before. This will motivate your companion to either enter into a rivalry with your object of employment for your presence in your life unconditionally, or take offense and withdraw, but at the same time be aware of the fact that

A rift in unselfish companionship has been made. But don't overdo it. After all, you are only trying to escape from the friend zone, and not forever break with friendship or with a loved one. For this reason, do not leave the friend zone by "cutting wires" or stepping on the hand of someone who, figuratively speaking, "hangs on a cliff" and in vain, out of habit, tries to reach you for help out of habit. Do not start the strategy of leaving the friend zone at the moments when your companion is in grief, in trouble, in difficult life circumstances, otherwise you will cause the person irreparably more moral damage than the one you expected.

While the method for exiting the friend zone is simple, it has side effects that you might not have hoped for. For example, you became carried away by another person and decided to break off warm friendships with a friend in the friend zone, and suddenly it turns out that this very companion was in love with you, tolerated friendship and hoped for something more, and then there was a break. This gap will give an impetus to your companion to act actively, that is, to return your location by any means, including active rivalry with your chosen object of love.

What should you do in this case? The most painless way to end a "friendly-love" relationship is a simple conversation with arguments that you did not know about your friend's secret feelings, but time is already lost, and you have no right to harm another person who is chosen for love, since he is not to blame for the current situation, but you can stay on friendly terms, otherwise parting is inevitable. These arguments should appeal to the prudence of your friend zone companion, and if a person has long and patiently waited for your love relationship, he will also patiently admit his failure, but this will happen for some time, which is necessary for your friend zone companion to move on a qualitatively different track. friendship. Be patient.

Leaving the friend zone, do not forget that friendship, like love, is a mutually voluntary affair. Friendship will be remembered forever if it is worthily ended, but emotional attachments will remain until the memory is overwritten by their new impressions of life.